Raise Them Up
In his book The Education of a Child, seventeenth-century author Francois Fenelon writes, "An authoritative parent whose eye is ever upon their child, who is constantly scolding, thinking they are fulfilling their parental role in pardoning nothing, will oppress their child, especially parents who place the weight of the family concerns upon them; all of this only torments and discourages."
Having reared three children, I only wish I had learned this truth years ago. As a result of placing responsibility above relationship, I frustrated my children.
Recently a mom called asking for advice concerning her six-year-old son. In describing the behavior of this renegade six-year-old, she went on to say that when it is his turn to wash the dishes, he would throw the soap suds around the kitchen, splashing his five siblings and the cabinets. She said that she dreaded Mondays because it always ended with a spanking for her six-year-old. She asked me what I thought. I told her it appeared that she had one normal child and five abnormal children! “What?” she replied. I then explained the theology of “bubbles!” Six-year-olds were created to blow bubbles, I humorously explained.
As parents, we need to assign tasks suitable for the age of our children. Since the other five children were always compliant, this parent settled for a discipline style and behavior expectations that fit her cookie-cutter approach to parenting—one fits all! So I suggested that she have him wash just two dishes and have a bottle of bubbles waiting at the end of the counter! You see, rather than placing responsibility above relationships, and frustrating our children, we should strive to build relationships through responsibility, while we enable success. Too often we desire perfect children so our own image will be exalted. If we were able to judge ourselves, we would see that our perfectionistic tendencies are a reflection of the idols of our hearts.
In Ephesians, Paul writes: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." "Up" is the direction we need to go! Let's work on being positive with our children. Let's smile more, yell less, and remember to parent in an upward direction. When we raise our children up, they will spend less time falling when they're older.
Research to Consider:
A study conducted by Hart and Risley, reveals that a four-year-old child in a professional family will have received 560,000 more instances of encouraging feedback than discouraging feedback. An average four-year-old child in a working-class family would have accumulated only 100,000 more encouragements than discouragements, and the average 4-year-old child in a welfare family would have accumulated a shocking 125,000 more instances of discouraging words than encouraging words.
Statistics are helpful and give us the big picture but they often fail to explain the heart of the problem. Income levels, for example, do not always equate with parental effectiveness, though the statistics would prove otherwise. Children who were raised by parents who were slaves were often raised with higher morals and ethics than the children of the slave owners. So it’s not a matter of income. Then what? It’s more a matter of morals and values. And whether we find ourselves presently with the blessing of a professional career or temporarily on welfare, let’s keep in mind that our words are our greatest resource and more powerful in the raising of our children than money. Solomon, the richest man ever, reminds us that “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”
Books to Read:
Families Where Grace is in Place by VanVonderen
Little Threads by Prentiss (for ages 6-10)
Teddy’s Button Illustrated or book or Audio Drama
